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Poster: direwolf0701 Date: Aug 2, 2007 11:30am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: more levity

Dog/Cat captivity

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a
mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my
capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about
what a 'good little hunter' I am. BASTARDS!!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously RETARDED. The bird
must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have
arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...

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Poster: Hugo Fugerzev Date: Aug 2, 2007 12:16pm
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

I got this one at work today. It gave me a good chuckle.

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.



Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.



Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times….



" I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

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Poster: direwolf0701 Date: Aug 2, 2007 12:26pm
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

awesome!!!

too funny man

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Poster: Dancinbears Date: Aug 2, 2007 11:33am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

this made me laugh! :)

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Poster: direwolf0701 Date: Aug 2, 2007 11:35am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

i hadnt seen this one in years

still kills me every time (being a cat lover)

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Poster: BryanE Date: Aug 2, 2007 12:02pm
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

I'd never seen it.

God, that's brilliant.

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Poster: ghostofpig Date: Aug 2, 2007 11:52am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

They say it's a dog's life!

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Poster: direwolf0701 Date: Aug 2, 2007 12:24pm
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

mine feels more like the cat's

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Poster: acetboy Date: Aug 2, 2007 11:32am
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

.

This post was modified by acetboy on 2008-05-30 01:00:33

This post was modified by Diana Hamilton on 2007-08-02 18:32:58

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Poster: direwolf0701 Date: Aug 2, 2007 1:55pm
Forum: GratefulDead Subject: Re: more levity

i thought my Spooky loved me - but lately more and more he has been practicing for the top-of-the-stair assissination attempt

;)